Over the Edge
by Yara Meijer
Summary: No matter how strong Matsukaze Tenma is, he's still human. What goes really on in his head during Raimon's fights? How much stress can he take before shattering? As he is pushed closer to the breaking point, is there anyone who can save him from the darkness? Because no matter what everyone wants to believe, not even Tenma is invincible and eventually he'll be pushed over the edge.


**Hello everyone~**

 **This is a bit different from my other stories in the sense that it's darker and does not have a real conclusion. I might write a continuation for this if I feel like it and/or if enough people want it.**

 **WARNING: This might be triggering for some people. Be warned and read at your own risk.**

 **I do not mean to insult and/or offend anyone with this. I have experience with stuff like this so I definitely know this is not something to be taken lightly.**

 **Disclaimer: I only own the idea and the cover.**

 **The lyrics are from the song Innocence by Avril Lavigne. I only changed the last line a bit to fit the story better. It's one of the songs I listened to while writing this, the others being things like Broken by Seether and Amy Lee and Missing/Everybody's Fool by Evanescence, among others.**

 **Now, enjoy~!**

* * *

 _This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay_

* * *

Isn't it funny how easy it is to miss the little details?

When looking back later, people would always say that they 'should've seen it'. But somehow, they always miss it.

How come?

Is it because they don't care? Because they don't want to see the truth? Because they never thought 'something like this' would happen?

Does it really matter, anyway?

What's said is said, what's done is done. As people always say, 'the past is in the past, look forward to the future'! Tomorrow's a new day, right? Another day to smile, to laugh, to have fun! Yeah, maybe today isn't the best, but there's always tomorrow. And next week. And next month. What about next year? Things won't always stay down!

…that worked.

No, really, it did. Stay happy, right? Things will work out somehow.

That was his motto. Something he believed with his whole heart. And they did! He joined Raimon, and while it was a shock to learn of Fifth Sector, he wouldn't just give up like that. His teammates didn't seem to like him very much – except for Shinsuke and Aoi – but they could work with that. He was sure they'd come around.

And they did, even Tsurugi! They became a real team and the beacon of hope for the junior soccer world. The rebels, the core of the revolution.

He became known as 'the Wind that Stirred Up the Revolution' or 'the Wind' for short. He'd only learn about this new title weeks after their match against Kaiou. He was honored to receive such praise, even from his teammates, but also nervous. What if he'd let everyone down?

But it'd work out somehow, he was sure of it. With his teammates and friends by his side, he could do anything. They could- no, they _would_ beat Fifth Sector!

That… didn't mean it was easy, though. His teammates counted on him- no, the whole junior soccer world counted on him, on Raimon. He couldn't, he wouldn't let everyone down.

So he practiced. He knew he wasn't good at soccer. He was a great dribbler, yes, but his passes and his shots could still use some work. Even after practice hours ended, he'd often go out to train some more. And it payed off, since he could keep up with his teammates during their matches. He scored goals, he defended their goal. He even brought out a Keshin!

It was tiring though, but he wouldn't complain. How could he, when everyone depended on him to keep up Raimon's spirits? So what if he didn't always finish his homework, or if he fell asleep in class because he stayed out too late? Once Fifth Sector was gone, he'd make up for it. He was sure of it.

They'd gotten more members, as well. Kariya and Hikaru, though he was a bit hurt by Kariya's behavior once he found out the truth. But no matter, the tealhead had gone through some heavy stuff as well. He'd just make sure the boy felt happy while he was part of Raimon's team. Hikaru as well, who seemed uncertain of everyone around him – the damage done by the reputation of his uncle.

So he welcomed them with open arms. Why wouldn't he? They were both just victims of their situations. And it turned out he was right, for the two fit right in.

He was a bit shocked when it turned out he couldn't complete Double Wing, though. He'd practiced so hard, he'd even missed dinner so he could practice some more. Yet… he hadn't been fast enough. He couldn't keep up with Tsurugi.

He failed his team. Only because Hikaru was there did they manage to complete it, and he was very grateful to the boy. Yet still… he'd held the team back, he'd let them down. They didn't blame him, he knew that, yet he disagreed. He was the Wind, wasn't he? They should be able to count on him, but here he was, failing them.

But he'd only worry them, distract them, if he confronted them about it. So he kept quiet, smiled as brightly as he could and cheered for both Nishiki and Hikaru, the two who saved the match, though Shindou had called his name as well. When he'd asked why, Sangoku had said he'd saved them all by becoming goalkeeper when he wasn't able to due to an injury.

That made him feel a little better and he'd gone home with a genuine smile on his face. Everything was fine, they'd won! Out of curiosity, he'd watched the match on TV.

Had he really been so slow? Of course Double Wing wouldn't be completed when he was one of the two main players, he wasn't fast enough. Why did his teammates think he should be there? It was completely obvious he was nowhere near Tsurugi's level – he'd only hold him back.

Even after the program finished, he'd kept thinking about it. When Aki had come in in order to call him for dinner, he'd faked sleeping. She'd put a blanket over him and quietly left and he felt bad again – here he was, invading her hospitality, and he'd let her down. Not only in soccer but also in his grades.

They'd been dropping a bit, nothing major, but enough to be noticed. Then and there he'd decided to work harder, in both school and soccer. Everyone around him had given him a great opportunity and he wouldn't let them down. Couldn't let them down.

So he'd spend the rest of the day working on his homework, finishing what the teachers had assigned him. But it wasn't all that much – he'd finished in two hours, even less! And besides, some of the teachers had warned him that their workload would only increase, so maybe it would be a good idea to read the chapter before the next lesson? Once he'd finished that, he decided to have a look at the homework that'd be assigned to them next lesson. Hmm… it wasn't too hard, maybe he could get a head start? If he didn't understand something, he'd be able to pay attention to that part in class and ask questions about it.

He worked a bit longer until he was finished. Once he blinked out of his concentration, he'd looked around and realized how dark it had become. Was it really that late? That's when his stomach rumbled and he took notice of his hunger, but one look at the clock told him it wouldn't be good to get a snack. Aki would already be sleeping, and it was time for him to get to bed as well.

But once he was clad in his pajamas, lying in bed and watching the shadows moving over the walls, he couldn't sleep. His thoughts kept going back to the match- he needed to improve, otherwise he'd just hold his team back. Again.

Because honestly, what did he do to help his team? Annoy his senpai? Bother his classmates? They always needed to spend their time – which could be used for more important things, he was sure – to help him. But did it even help? The more he thought about it, the more he seemed like a lost case.

' _Of course I am,'_ he couldn't help but think. _'I always keep them back. Because of me, Captain almost quit the team – Minamisawa-senpai actually did! Without me, everyone would be happy.'_

But they were happy now, weren't they? He'd seen their smiles after they won the match against Hakuren, and Minamisawa seemed happy with his new team as well. They were happy.

' _But how long will it last? I'm just a bother, pathetic. How long until they give up on me, how long until they see I'm a lost case? 'The Wind that Stirs Up the Revolution', what a joke! Captain and Tsurugi did so much more for the team! Why do people think I can oppose Fifth Sector?'_

He'd told himself to stop thinking that. Now he was just being selfish. He knew he wasn't bad at soccer at all, he had a Keshin that protected Raimon's goal more than once! He was just being dramatic and thinking too much about himself. Giving up wasn't an option, there were so many people who counted on him!

The dark thoughts had gone away after that and he'd fallen asleep eventually. The next day he'd banned the memory from his mind, ashamed at how he'd acted. How pathetic, to only think about himself like that. And not to mention, his teammates! They were nice and kind, how could he think so badly about them? Was he really such a self-centered person?

It kept bugging him, how he'd acted, and he tried to think up instances where he'd been nice and helpful, not because he cared about what others thought but just because he wanted to be. He couldn't think of much, but he didn't have time either because he was busy with school and soccer again.

Because he remembered his failure at the Hakuren match. If he couldn't even perform Double Wing, how was he supposed to be the 'Wind'? So he decided to focus on his speed. But it must've been bad, because Captain eventually told him to quit and take a break.

Aware that most of his teammates were watching the exchange, he'd panicked internally. Was he really causing so much trouble? Was he distracting them from their practice? Had he disappointed them?

How self-centered. Was everything about him? It's not like his teammates' life centered around him, so he sternly told himself to stop thinking about himself so much. How selfish.

Instead he'd put up a bright smile and apologized to Captain. He said he hadn't meant to bother him, and Captain had chuckled and told him he just didn't want him to push himself too far. He'd smiled brightly and nodded, following Captain's advice of taking a break even though he desperately wanted to continue training. After all, he could improve so much!

But once he'd reached the bench he'd realized how arrogant that was. Did he really have room for improvement? Yes, he did. But could he improve? Why did he immediately assume he could? Did he really think that highly of himself?

Aoi had handed him a water bottle and asked him if he was alright, and his thoughts immediately stopped for a second. Then they went on, even more chaotic than before. What was he doing, bothering the _managers?_ If they were bothered by his behavior, what did that say about his teammates? He didn't want to be a bother, he _couldn't_ be. They were supposed to _save the soccer world_ and here he was, distracting everyone!

So, to reassure her, he'd smiled as brightly as he could even though his insides churned and he felt the stings of barely held-back tears in his eyes. He had said he was just a bit tired from the match and Aoi had believed him, returning his bright smile with one of her own.

The rest of the day, he carefully made sure that he would be smiling at all times.

And then, only two days later, the news of the other schools came. Fifth Sector was closing down schools who supported the rebellion. The rebellion he started.

Looking back on it, it was pathetic. It was selfish. His teammates were all fired up, and all he could do was run? He didn't even think about them! He'd let them down again! No matter that he thought about the other students, that should've just fired him up to beat Fifth Sector and instead he was giving in.

Meeting Gouenji had been a shock. Ishido Shuuji… Gouenji Shuuya. What had happened to him?

Captain had managed to lift his spirits again, however, and they'd played soccer together.

But when he was lying in his bed that night in the darkness of his room, the insecurities returned. Had he really allowed himself to slip like that? And he hadn't even thought about what could've happened to Gouenji to make him like this – he'd only thought about how shocked he was, to see his hero as a part of Fifth Sector. Was he really that apathetic about others?

And why was he thinking about this anyway? He should think about the revolution. He should think of ways to beat Fifth Sector, to give everyone back free soccer. He should think about school. He should think of repaying Aki – and his parents – for all the opportunities he had received.

There was no time for hesitation. He could only go forwards because backwards was not an option. He had to improve, academically and physically. And personality-wise, not to mention. With every passing day he started to see more and more how self-centered he was.

The next day, his teammates had asked him if he was alright. He felt even worse. Had he really bothered them so much? So, not wanting to distract them anymore, he'd put up a bright smile and nodded. They'd easily believed it.

He told himself to keep smiling. Things would work out somehow, right? If he just kept smiling, no one would be bothered. He just had to stay focused on the revolution. That was important. He had to protect real soccer, he was part of Raimon, the beacon of hope. There was no time for weakness.

That night, in the shadows of his room, he'd fought uselessly against his tears. No matter what he tried, they still escaped his eyes. So he gave up on trying to stop them and instead sobbed silently where no one could see him, no matter how much he tried to tell himself he didn't have time for this. He had to focus on the revolution-

The revolution. It felt like someone had stabbed a knife in his back and every time the revolution was mentioned, it felt as if it was pushed just a bit deeper. It hurt, it really did, and he desperately wanted to pull the knife out, but- but if he did that, he'd give up on the revolution, on _soccer._ He couldn't do that. People were counting on him. His team was counting on him. Soccer was counting on him.

He couldn't let them down. He'd let them down so much already, he couldn't let it go any further. He had to be strong. He had to smile, no one should be bothered by his weakness. He was the Wind. He had to be strong, he had to win, he had to protect everyone.

So he'd ignored the knife and smiled brightly every time someone pushed it deeper in his flesh. He could almost feel the blood running down his back, but of course there was nothing. It was only his mind playing tricks on him. But he wished it wasn't, he wished it was real – maybe he could do something about it then.

On the outside, he continued to smile. He was fine, he was alright, he was strong. Happy. Everything would work out somehow, right? No time for hesitation. Everything would be fine, as long as he kept smiling. No one should be bothered by him. He was fine.

And then came the match against Arakumo. How… how selfish. Pathetic. Inconsiderate. Here his teammates were, giving it their all, and he couldn't even give Taiyou what he wanted! He was holding everyone back – as usual. Was it really a surprise?

His idea to combine Raimon's Keshin landed Captain in the hospital, as well. It took Captain's dream of fighting together with everyone in the finals. Maybe it could've been avoided if he'd just played his all from the beginning. Then Captain could play with everyone else. Or maybe if he'd given just a bit more when they used Demon Emperor Gryphon, Captain wouldn't be in the hospital.

Everyone was down again, everyone gave up, because of him. Because he was weak again. He was sure Tsurugi and Captain could've beaten Taiyou even without his help. He probably only made their united Keshin unstable, holding back his teammates even more. That's what he always did, after all.

And then came coach Endou. He was happy when coach returned. But then… then coach told him to be captain and he- he didn't want to, he couldn't. He _couldn't_ replace Captain, because he was just… him. A failure.

He was ready to refuse, he really was, but then his teammates told him they wanted him as captain. He'd wanted to call them out on their lies – they couldn't mean that, they probably only wanted to be kind – but their smiles seemed so _real_.

He didn't want to believe it was fake, even though he knew it was. Why would they want _him_ as captain, a _failure?_ But he couldn't let them down even more. He _couldn't._ So he accepted, even though his heart told him not to.

It wasn't all that horrible. The team actually seemed to work together under his command, so he couldn't be all horrible… right?

But every time he looked at the red of the captain band around his arm, he imagined the bloodstained knife in his back and felt it hurt just a little more. He couldn't, shouldn't do this. But his friends believed him, and surely they knew what was best? The senpai were smart and knew a lot about soccer, yet they seemed to think he would make a good captain.

So… did that mean it was true? Was he really a good captain? He ignored those thoughts and decided to do the best he could. He owed them that much. And it wouldn't do well if he was distracted, or if he distracted his teammates, so he smiled and bore it quietly. Everything would be fine. Everything would work out somehow.

And then came the match against Dragon Link. They won, but… his stupid idea of using Keshin to fight Keshin only ended up hurting everyone. Captain himself had to come all the way from the hospital to tell him not to give up. If Captain had been there on the field instead of him, he was sure his team wouldn't be hurt.

But eventually everything worked out, like he predicted. They won. His team had won. And he smiled and cheered with the rest of his team, letting his emotions go as they threw him in the air. He was happy, truly and genuinely happy.

When he came home he locked himself in his room and cried. He didn't want to, telling himself how egoistic and pathetic it was – he _won_ , Raimon was the _champion,_ yet he couldn't be happy? If not for himself, at least for his teammates?

And how could he have allowed himself to be so arrogant when his teammates threw him in the air? _His_ team had won, really? Raimon wasn't _his._ He wasn't their captain. He was only a temporary replacement until the real Captain came back!

He faked sleep again when Aki came in, not wanting her to see how pathetic, how _worthless_ , he was. How weak, how big-headed and greedy. He skipped dinner – he was hungry, his exhausted body begging for food, but the thought made him nauseous. Instead he forced himself to ignore everything – his hunger, his exhaustion, his emotion – and did his homework. It was late again when he finished, but he felt satisfied with his work.

' _How can I be satisfied with just this? My grades are too low and I was horrible in the match. It took Tsurugi and me_ three _days to complete Fire Tornado Double Drive, because I was too incompetent! And I have the nerve to be satisfied?!'_

The little sleep he got was plagued by nightmares.

* * *

 _This moment is perfect, please don't go away_

* * *

When Gouenji asked him to be part of his Soccer Education Program, he decided to accept even though he felt like he was letting his team down by leaving so suddenly. They reassured him that it wasn't a problem though, yet he still felt slightly guilty.

Was he really so pathetic he couldn't face them?

' _No, I'm not pathetic. I am part of Raimon, the champion of the Holy Road and the Japanese junior soccer world. I'm the Wind that Stirs Up the Revolution. People look up to me. People believe in me. I'm not pathetic. I'm strong. I have to be strong.'_

The temporary holiday actually made him feel better. The children were fun to play with and they loved him, and he got to play real soccer as much as he wanted without people looking at him.

It felt like the weight of the revolution, the knife, was finally gone, or at least reduced greatly. For the first time since joining Raimon, he felt really, truly free. Not the kind of free when he released his Keshin or when he won a match with his team. The freedom that came with the laughter and the happiness, no eyes on him or expectations of him. Just… free.

He was ready to go home and face his friends again. He was ready to explain why and give up the captain title. He really, really was, but when he returned, his friends were strangers to him.

They didn't know him. They didn't love soccer. The soccer club… didn't even exist. And it hurt so much to hear their words, to see the confusion in their eyes when they looked at him and it made him want to cry.

So he ran. He ran, hoping to forget everything that happened, yet the knife was back. But this time, there was a second one. It hurt, it hurt twice as much as it did before, yet there was nothing he could do.

When he reached the riverbank, he didn't allow himself to cry. Not here, where everyone could see him. Not now. No matter how much he wanted to.

Then Alpha came and suddenly he was back, back to the time of the accident. Alpha stopped the ball from saving him and suddenly everything hurt, the knives stabbing in his back even deeper, tearing him apart-

He could feel himself losing himself but he _wouldn't let it happen._ He _couldn't._ He couldn't let them take the one thing that made him who he was, the one thing that saved him over and over again.

Alpha transported them to an abandoned soccer field and attacked him with his team. The ball hurt, but not as much as the pain of the knives. He could handle this. He could deal with this. He could _do_ this.

Suddenly someone else was there, a boy named Fei Rune, and everything went so fast. He had to be captain again, of a team with _his_ name, and he didn't know how to feel- Tired? Hurt? Sad?

The talking bear was quite a surprise, to say the least. The story from the bear, Wonderbot, and Fei was far-fetched but explained everything. Not to mention, he _needed_ to believe it, he _needed_ to believe his teammates didn't hate soccer and forgot about him. It was risky, it was probably stupid, but what other choice did he have? So he trusted them.

Meeting Yuuichi was another surprise, but hardly anything to worry about considering everything that had been happening around him. And then they were back and the team knew who he was again, yet Tsurugi was gone. Tsurugi was never there in the first place.

Raimon decided to help them get Tsurugi back and they faced Protocol Omega again and everything was alright for a moment. But then Yuuichi started to dissolve, his ability to walk and play soccer disappeared, and he couldn't believe how selfish he was being again.

He'd thought he was doing better. But apparently, he wanted Tsurugi back so badly that he didn't care about others again. He'd let Yuuichi return to being paralyzed _just_ so that he could play with Tsurugi again, even though he knew how much Tsurugi hated seeing his brother like that.

And then soccer was banned and everything was going so fast, going back to the match between Japan and America, and coach Endou sacrificed himself for Fei and most of his team suddenly quit and-

Another knife joined the previous two.

It felt a bit better when Gouenji was there, explaining things and helping them train. They went to God Eden and were saved by Shuu and it was great to see his friend again. Eventually he managed to get Keshin Armed under control and they won the small match.

Then they went to the future to get Daisuke's notebook, and then they went to Daisuke himself because none of them could read it. They learned about the Strongest Eleven in History and they returned to their real time, where they started their mission of going to different times.

They went to the Sengoku Era to find Oda Nobunaga, but they were arrested. Eventually they managed to face Protocol Omega 2.0 and Shindou Mixi Maxed with Nobunaga. And then they returned and Raimon was back, but so was a strange girl but everything seemed fine so-

When he finally got home that night, lying in his bed and surrounded by the familiar shadows, he broke down. Of course he did. He was pathetic, why wouldn't he? It seemed that was the only thing he was good for.

But everything was just _so much._ Time travel, coach Endou, Raimon, Kinako, Mixi Max, Keshin Armed- he couldn't do this, but he _had to._ He didn't have a choice. Everyone counted on him. He didn't want to bother them even more.

Yet he was tortured by the knives and the memories and he felt himself sobbing quietly in the middle of the night. He curled up in a ball, blocking out the shadows that seemed to be his only friend, hiding him from anyone who might see his weakness.

And oh, how weak he was. He was so self-centered, selfish, weak and pathetic. He was worthless. No matter how much he tried to convince himself it wasn't true, that the things he were thinking were _wrong_ and he just wanted attention, he couldn't stop.

He dug his nails in his arms as he fought to keep his sobs quiet. It would just be another sign of his weakness if he managed to wake up Aki or Fei.

Eventually his tears dried and he fell into an exhausted sleep. When he woke up the next morning, he curled up in a small ball again. How stupid was he? He didn't have time to doubt himself, he needed to lead Raimon through their fight with El Dorado.

He washed his face from any of the remains of his tears and made his way to Raimon, greeting everyone with a bright smile. No need to bother them with his problems.

They continued on with their travels through time and he was happy to see his team evolve even more. Everything seemed alright again and he didn't force himself to smile as much as before – everything _was_ working out somehow!

They were keeping up with El Dorado and their mission of creating the Strongest Eleven in History was working. He saw all of his friends grow stronger, physically, mentally and emotionally, and the knives didn't seem so painful anymore.

But that soon changed when they were in the Jurassic Era. With both Taiyou and Shindou, he couldn't help but feel useless again. _'They're better captains than I'll ever be. Everyone can see it.'_ He tried to tell himself it wasn't true, that he was captain for a reason, but to no avail. _'After all, I'm just a failure.'_

He tried to force those thoughts away. _'I just want attention. I'm just pathetic and want to be in the spotlight all the time. The world doesn't revolve around me and I should stop trying to play the main character all the time.'_

But it didn't work and on their way to the story of King Arthur, his doubts returned again, especially when the Time Jump went wrong. He couldn't even calm down his team. He really wasn't cut out to be captain after all.

And then he woke up and found out he was the main character. He was ready to cry at that point.

Even so, he hid his feelings behind a smile and set off with Wonderbot. On the way they met up with Fei and soon they reached the castle of King Arthur. Meeting the Knights of the Round was a shock and only proved to confirm his doubts – Shindou was their leader and he did a better job than he could even dream of doing.

Soon after Kinako was kidnapped and they were on their way to save her. He could feel his insides churn at the thought of a match against Perfect Cascade. _'I can't do this. I'm going to let everyone down. I'll make them lose this match.'_

But he had to. He couldn't bother everyone with the truths he was facing. They needed to focus and he was holding them back enough as it was.

They noticed anyway. Aoi had confronted him, saying even Fei was worried. He almost wanted to laugh at that. _'Worried, really? I'm just holding them back. They're only worried that I'll hold them down again.'_ When the girl eventually left, he gripped his arms and kept quiet. His nails bore in his skin and it hurt a bit, but at least it distracted him from all his thoughts.

He wanted to put up a mask as he usually did, but he just couldn't. He slipped up. He was so stupid! He _knew_ he couldn't bother his friends, yet he gave in to his doubts and allowed his weakness to take over by asking Shindou if he was really cut out for being captain.

He had immediately regretted it when he heard Shindou's angry words. It stung when Kurama agreed with his words, saying he wasn't cut out to be captain, but it also made him feel relieved. Finally, _finally_ someone who didn't want him to lead them, who didn't trust him with this responsibility, who _didn't_ look at him for strength when he was about to break down himself.

They played the match and everyone did their best to make him believe in himself again. He was really grateful that he had such amazing friends but even so, the guilt weighted him down. He was distracting everyone at such an important moment. They had to go out of their way _again_ just because he messed up like he always did.

At least his doubts about being captain were settled slightly, and it was enough for him to Mixi Max with King Arthur. He didn't believe it though. Him, a king? What a joke. Someone as pathetic as him would never make a good king.

From there, everything went fast. He learned about El Dorado's true purpose and the Second Stage Children. And then Fei was revealed to be one of them, joining Feida. He couldn't help but feel useless. He'd let another one of his friends down. Fei was obviously hurting and yet he couldn't do _anything._

He was just a failure. He messed up everything. He always did.

He tried to tell himself to stop being so self-centered – he'd learned from the King Arthur story that he definitely wasn't the main character – but he couldn't help it. He wanted to help Fei with all his heart yet he was too weak to do anything.

Learning about Kinako's true identity was a shock but it helped Fei to find his way again. Not long after, coach Endou was freed from the chrono stone and Chrono Storm was preparing to fight against Saru's team.

They won and he was happy, but he kept a fierce grip on his emotions. He'd learned from the end of Holy Road and the match against Perfect Cascade. He wouldn't let his mask slip again and let all his emotions out. He wouldn't bother his friends with his weakness again.

It hurt when Fei left but he was happy that his friend could play soccer as well. He already missed all his friends from other times but he was glad everyone was happy. Not to mention, he had to help prepare the team for the world tournament.

He knew he didn't stand a chance at being picked for the team to represent Japan. But his teammates _did_ have a chance and he would help them as much as he could, even if it meant staying out of their way to train.

He avoided Shindou as well. He still didn't want to be captain but he knew that the ex-captain would only get angry again if he brought it up. So he smiled and hid his weakness, instead focusing on the tournament again.

He hated himself for wanting it to be over already. This was _the_ chance for his friends to join the team, yet he couldn't even be happy for them. The only thing he wanted was to rest from the chaotic mess his life had become.

How selfish.

* * *

 _And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by_

* * *

He was captain of Inazuma Japan.

Captain. He was supposed to lead his team to the world tournament. The only ones from Raimon were Tsurugi and Shindou and all their other members were amateurs. He knew it was going to be hard to lead this team to victory, but he was sure he could do it with the help of his two Raimon friends.

Only, his friends _weren't_ helping him. Shindou outright argued with him and he could feel Tsurugi's annoyance. He wanted to back down – he didn't want to fight with them at all! – but the other members deserved a chance as well.

That night he desperately tried to find a way to solve the situation, but he couldn't focus. His thoughts kept returning to the angry expression on Shindou's face and Tsurugi's disapproving aura. With that came back the memories of Shinsuke's sadness and Raimon's disappointment at not being chosen.

He was hyperventilating now, his nails digging into his arms and while it hurt he couldn't find the will to stop. He couldn't do this. He couldn't lead the team to victory, he couldn't bring them together, he just- he _couldn't do it!_ He needed help, he couldn't do this on his own but Tsurugi and Shindou were angry and Raimon _wasn't here_ and he didn't have a choice because everyone depended on him-

He was torn from his thoughts when he felt something hot and wet on his fingers. He forced his hands away from his arms and stared, uncomprehending, at the dark something staining his nails.

And suddenly he couldn't breathe when he realized what the liquid was and he felt light-headed, but he forced himself to calm down. He ignored the pain from the small wounds and quietly made his way to the bathroom. Luckily his room was connected to a bathroom so he could turn on the light without being afraid of waking anyone.

He felt nauseous when he stared at the red staining his arms. It wasn't much, yet it was still there. What had possessed him to- to do something like- like _that?_

He stood frozen for a moment, no thoughts entering his mind and the quiet of the night only broken by his erratic breathing. But then the moment was broken and tears poured from his eyes as he crumbled to the floor, sobbing softly.

After what felt like hours, but probably was only a few minutes because the- the _red_ was still warm and hadn't dried yet, so it shouldn't have been that long, he finally shook off his daze. He stood up and made his way to the sink, turning on the water and holding his hands and arms under it. He watched as the water turned a slight red color before becoming colorless again, shivering slightly from the cold.

The wounds didn't start bleeding again after that so he decided it was safe to go back to his room. There he fell into an exhausted sleep, his worries pushed to the back of his mind for the moment.

When he woke up the next morning he was horrified by the memories, wishing it had all been a nightmare. But the small wounds on his upper arms told him otherwise and he had to fight the tears welling up in his eyes.

Luckily the marks were covered by the sleeves of his soccer uniform. He smiled and talked and acted happy in general, but the churning of his stomach was hard to ignore. Shindou and Tsurugi were still angry with him and the team wasn't any more motivated, but he didn't have a choice. He was fine. He was alright. Everything would work out somehow.

He just had to believe it and maybe it would come true.

The match against South Korea's Fire Dragon was hard due to the team's distrust of Matatagi, but they managed to pull through in the end. After that, their practice continued and he desperately tried to tell himself that everything would be fine, but he started to lose hope.

But most of the other members didn't show up for practice and their coach didn't want to help him at all. He tried to make the most of the situation but he could feel a fourth knife join the other three.

When the coach told him to write an e-mail to the other members who wanted to quit, he couldn't do anything but follow the order. The withdrawal test was a shock but eventually all eight members decided to stay on the team and he could relax just slightly.

But even though everyone gave it their all, it was still hard. He wanted to help everyone with their problems but it was just _so much_ and he could feel the knives digging further into his back, staining him with imaginary blood like how his arms had been stained only a few nights before.

After their match against Big Waves it went better but Shindou was still not helping and he could feel himself failing under the pressure. Like it was a real surprise, though – he was a failure after all. Pathetic. Selfish. Weak. Worthless.

He forced himself to forget his thoughts – he had to bring everyone to the world stage. He had to. Everyone worked so hard and he couldn't just give up now!

Eventually Kusaka managed to work with the team and they beat Shamshir. Things continued and he desperately tried to hold on to something, _anything,_ but he felt like he was drowning in a sea of red. Yet he couldn't allow himself to give up, no matter what.

In the end, Konoha, Minaho and Manabe came around as well and he could finally see that they might be able to form a team. During the match against Resistance Japan, Tetsukado came around as well and he finally felt his smile become a little more genuine.

Yet that soon changed and the knives dug even deeper because even though everyone wanted to play soccer now, they still weren't a _team._

Storm Fever was a hard opponent but at least Shindou decided to trust Ibuki. Still, he could see everyone giving up and in his desperation he let his mask slip away once again, telling his teammates he didn't want this to be their last match. At least it seemed to work, but he couldn't help but think of how stupid he was for slipping up like that again.

And then he found out the truth.

Aliens.

They were fighting aliens. Protecting the earth. Earth's fate depended on them and if they failed, their planet would be destroyed. Now he knew he didn't _have_ a choice. He _had_ to bring everyone to victory because if he failed- if he failed, then-

A fifth knife joined the others and he wanted to cry out in pain. He couldn't do this. But he had to. He couldn't fail. If he failed, everything would be over, everyone depended on him, so he couldn't- couldn't-

And then Shindou told him they could not lose and he was ready to break down but _he couldn't because the whole earth depended on him._

On a failure.

But this time, he couldn't fail. He could never allow himself to show weakness because that would be the end.

They ended up with two new members, Zanakurou and Shinsuke, and then they were off to space. To face the galaxy. To save the earth.

They faced countless teams and somehow managed to pull through. To win. They _actually_ protected the earth. He wanted to be happy but couldn't allow himself to, for if he slipped up again it could mean the end.

And then it was revealed Tsurugi was an imposter and he locked himself in his room. He just _couldn't do this._ Not now, not ever. He was too weak.

With worries for his friend and his team and the earth in general plaguing his mind, he curled up in a ball in the middle of the night and he continued the now familiar process of digging his nails in his arms. It was something he did at least thrice a week, when his fears became too real in the shadows of his room.

But this time it went too deep again and he silently slipped into the bathroom, tears streaming down his face as he cleaned his arms. The knives stabbed deeper, a fresh one joining them from Tsurugi's disappearance.

The next morning all he could do was put up the familiar mask. Smile, though it was weak but no one mentioned it, considering what had happened. Pretend not to be hurting. Pretend to be alright.

Everything would work out somehow.

It was the only thing he could use to pull himself through. Things always did, right? So it would be the same this time. It had to be. Everything had to be fine. It would work out. Somehow.

Seeing Tsurugi again, but this time as an opponent, hurt more than he'd like to admit and the seventh knife stabbed him, the pain almost unbearable. But this one was so much more. It was a knife of betrayal.

His best friend, captain of another team and seemingly dead-set on beating him.

He didn't allow himself to cry and instead returned Tsurugi's fierce determination. He had to win, he _wanted_ to win.

He told himself this over and over again, he wanted to win. He wanted to. It became a mantra, his anchor in the sea of red. He wanted to win. If he said it enough, maybe it would become true.

Earth Eleven won but then they were challenged by Ixal Fleet. They had to win. If they won this, everything would be over. The earth would be saved. Everything would work out somehow. They just had to win.

The seven knives hurt him _so much_ but he couldn't give in now. He couldn't be weak and pathetic as always. He couldn't allow himself to show what a failure he really was. He had to be strong. He had to win. He had to be _the captain._

Matatagi's words reached him and cracked the mask even more. Somehow he still managed to keep it together though, only allowing his determination and love for soccer to show through.

And he played soccer. He played _his_ soccer, real soccer.

He hadn't felt so free in a long time. The knives still hurt and so did the healing wounds on his arms, but he could put that to the back of his mind as he _played._

They won and the earth was protected and they could go home and _he could rest-_

Seeing Raimon again should've made him happy, but it just reminded him of all the responsibility on his shoulders. He was truly glad to see them again but he was also so tired-

How pathetic. He was being selfish again. They had just won against the whole galaxy and he couldn't even be happy about it. So, so selfish.

Things continued on as always. What should've been the time to rest from everything that happened became a constant fight to keep up the broken mask.

Smile. Don't let them in. Don't show them what a failure he really was.

Because he had realized it, after Tsurugi was kidnapped. If his friends left him alone, he would completely shatter and the pieces would never fit together again. They _couldn't_ leave him. He would break.

But they would, definitely, if they found out how broken he already was. So he put up a smile and kept repeating his mantra.

Everything will work out somehow.

* * *

 _This innocence is broken and all I can do is cry_

* * *

Tenma can't help the soft smile on his lips as he watches his teammates getting ready for bed. While it's stressing (but what isn't, nowadays?) to have to keep up the act the whole time, coach Endou's idea of a training camp at school was a good one.

After the inevitable pillow fight, they finally settle down and turn off the lights. Even so, most of the boys are too excited to even think about sleeping and keep on chatting, until Kurama tells them they sound like gossiping girls, which quickly shuts them up.

The brunet chuckles softly at this, his voice echoing through the silence of the night. ''Ugh, go to sleep already!'' seems like Kurama tried to throw a pillow at him because Hikaru, who's lying two spaces away from him, suddenly yelps. ''Ah, sorry about that,'' apologizes the third-year when he realizes he missed. ''I was aiming for Tenma.''

''Guys, go to sleep,'' groans Sangoku wearily.

Tenma chuckles again and quickly speaks up before Kurama can throw another pillow. ''That's enough guys, let's go to sleep. Goodnight.''

After everyone finally settles down, silence fills the gym and the brunet lets his smile fade from his face as he turns on his back. He hears how the breathing of his friends slowly starts to even out, showing they've fallen asleep.

Sighing inaudibly he closes his eyes in hopes of shutting out the shadows around him and the cursed thoughts in his mind. Even though he's not tired at all, he can't do much more than try and sleep some.

Eventually he manages to fall asleep, at least that's what he thinks for he doesn't really remember it. What he does remember though, is waking up. It seems to be even darker than before and the only sound comes from his teammates' even breathing.

He can feel the familiar panic rising up, overtaking him as it always does in the darkness of the night. _'No! Not now when I'm surrounded by my friends!'_

He needs air before he loses it again. Maybe, just maybe he can calm himself down and go to sleep again. Tomorrow morning it will seem like nothing ever happened.

So the brunet quietly stands up, glad that it's summer and so still warm even though the sun's been down for a few hours already. As silently as possible, he makes his way around the sleeping forms of his teammates, able to make out their relaxed features in the light from the moon falling through the windows.

He reaches the door and makes his way outside, breathing in the fresh night air and feeling the grass underneath his feet.

Tenma stares up at the stars in the sky, keeping his breathing slow and steady. He's pleasantly surprised when the familiar dark thoughts don't come, probably because he's simply too exhausted to care.

He sighs as he presses a hand against his forehead. _'How long can I do this? How long can I hide it?'_ he swallows, his throat suddenly feeling dry. _'I don't want them to find out. I don't want them to leave me.'_

The seven knives hurt just a bit more, reminding him of his weakness.

His hands move to his arms and he lightly presses his nails in his skin, enough to sting a bit but nothing more. _'No blood tonight,'_ he tells himself sternly. _'Wouldn't do for the team to find out.'_

The brunet isn't sure how long he stands there but eventually he can feel his heart slow as his breath comes easier. His body relaxes slightly and his mind settles down, ready to go to sleep for real now.

He sighs again and turns around, making his way back to the doors of the gym. He opens them quietly and slips inside, planning to go back to bed and pretend he didn't go outside in the middle of the night to avoid a panic attack.

But he is surprised when he suddenly hears a voice. It's not very loud but heard clearly in the silence of the night, not to mention, very easy to recognize.

''Tenma?''

His head whips up and he locks eyes with Shindou, barely able to make out the game maker's face in the moonlight. ''Shindou-san?'' he whispers in response.

The playmaker walks closer. ''What were you doing outside?'' he asks with a frown.

Tenma bites his lip, not wanting the older to get angry with him. ''I'm sorry, did I wake you?'' he asks instead of responding.

Shindou smiles reassuringly. ''I wasn't asleep in the first place,'' he whispers in answer. ''So? Why did you go outside?''

The brunet shrugs uncomfortable. ''Needed some fresh air,'' he mutters finally.

His older friend opens his mouth to say something but is interrupted by another voice. ''Ugh guys! Keep it down!''

Tenma stifles a laugh, because the owner of the voice spoke a lot louder than the two of them. Suddenly another voice breaks through the not-so-silent night. ''Nishiki shut up! What time is it?'' groans Kurama.

Shindou and Tenma share a look. ''They're gonna wake everyone up, aren't they?'' whispers the brunet and the other nods in agreement.

''Ouch! Someone stepped on my hand!''

''Sorry.''

''Sorry that you have such big feet, I'm sure!''

''Kariya shut up, Nishiki go back to bed!''

''Sangoku, you awake too?''

The keeper groans. ''Nishiki, quiet.''

''And it looks like everyone is awake now,'' grumbles another voice in the mix of groans, voices and complains. Seems like Tsurugi is awake.

Suddenly the light flickers on and Tenma winces, unlike some of his other teammates who have more… dramatic reactions. ''IT BURNS!'' whines Kariya loudly.

''Kariya Masaki, shut the hell up! You're not a vampire!'' scolds Kirino, hiding his face in his pillow. ''And someone turn off that light!''

Tenma blinks the spots out of his visions and looks at the culprit. None other than Ichino. ''Guys, why did anyone think it was a good idea to shout at…'' he looks at his phone for a moment, ''…two in the morning?''

''Nishiki started it!'' complains Kurama.

The other glares at him. ''Well, Shindou and Tenma woke me up!''

Everyone looks at the two boys and the playmaker shrugs. ''Tenma was walking around outside, not me,'' he defends himself. ''I was just curious.''

Now all eyes turn to the captain, who shrinks away uncomfortably. ''Let's just go to sleep now, okay?'' he suggests, but the narrowed eyes of the game maker next to him tell him he isn't going to get off so easily.

''Why were you outside?'' asks Sangoku worriedly, sitting up with a concerned frown on his face. ''Is something wrong?''

Tenma fakes a smile, hoping to get them to back off. ''Couldn't sleep.'' He shrugs. ''Sorry for waking everyone.''

He makes an attempt at walking to his bed but Shindou grabs his arm to stop him, a slightly disapproving frown adorning his features. The brunet instantly whirls around with a flinch, wide-eyed, and the game maker immediately lets go as if he's been burned, eyes wide with shock.

''…Tenma?'' the silence is eventually broken by the whisper of the playmaker.

The brunet lowers his gaze.

The silence is thick and heavy and Tenma can feel the panic from just ten minutes ago return as it goes on. He hugs himself, his nails lightly pressing in his arms – enough to feel, but not enough to be noticed by his friends. ''Seriously guys, I'm just not a very good sleeper,'' he mutters.

He can feel his throat close up as the panic increases. _'They're all looking at me. Will they finally see how weak I am?'_ he had hoped the dark thoughts wouldn't appear tonight, but it seems he was wrong.

Still, he has to try and get out of this situation. So he finds his voice in a last attempt to reassure his friends. ''Let's go back to sleep, okay?'' his voice noticeably cracks and he can feel tears burning behind his eyes.

' _Why…? Why can't I just- why do I always have to bother them? I'm just so weak and pathetic and-'_

''Tenma, what's wrong?'' Shindou's voice is very gentle as he carefully places his hands on the younger's shoulders.

The brunet doesn't look up, his eyes hidden by his bangs. ''It's nothing,'' he whispers yet for once everyone can hear how fake it is.

The silence ticks on and the playmaker tightens his grip slightly, even more concern filling his brown orbs. Tenma doesn't look up though and instead digs his nails a bit deeper in his arms to hide the shaking of his hands. With every passing moment, the knives seem to burn more and it becomes a little harder to breathe.

The fear in his heart, the fear of being abandoned, is becoming stronger as the silence lasts. He can feel everyone's eyes on him, watching him, _judging_ him and it makes him want to hide. Shindou's hands on his shoulders feel heavy, trapping him there.

' _I can't do this… not anymore, I- I'm just- I can't-'_

His mind is in shatters, a chaotic mess that doesn't help him in the slightest. He can feel his mask breaking, shattering into a million pieces and the more he tries to stop it, the more it breaks.

''I- I'm sorry,'' he whispers, finally breaking the silence. ''I- I'm fine… I didn't mean to- to wake you guys. I'm fine,'' he repeats and he's not sure who he's trying to convince.

''Tenma?'' Shindou's voice is gentle yet confused. ''What's wrong?''

The brunet shrinks in on himself and his eyes fill with tears, hidden by his bangs. ''I- I can't-'' his voice cracks again and his breathing is getting more erratic. ''I'm- I-''

' _You're weak. Pathetic. Selfish. Greedy. Worthless. You can't even face them properly. Why are they still here? No matter, they will leave soon enough and then you'll be all alone, like you should be.'_

He's trembling now, his nails almost breaking his skin again as he desperately tries to say something. ''I- I'm… sorry,'' he whispers finally and the chaos in his mind stops.

Silence.

He's still breathing erratically and he's still trembling and the knives are still _hurting_ him, but now everything seems to be frozen, as if the world is waiting for something to happen.

Then the moment is broken and his legs give out. He sinks to the ground, feeling smaller than ever under the stares of his friends. The knives are stabbing deeper than ever before and all the emotions he's been holding back seem to want to come to the surface at the same time.

''Why?'' he whispers and if he hadn't been such a mess maybe he would've been shocked by how broken his voice sounds. ''Why are you- why haven't you left me yet…?''

Shindou kneels in front of him, his eyes wide with shock, worry and disbelief. ''Tenma, what are you talking about?'' his voice is soft but seems to echo in the silence of the gym. ''Why would we leave you? You're our friend.''

The brunet doesn't look up even as a single tear rolls down his cheek. ''Why?'' he repeats in a desperate whisper. ''I- I'm just a burden…'' he continues before anyone can interrupt him. ''I mess up everything, I'm a horrible c-captain, I'm always- always bothering you guys, I'm w-weak and pathetic and- and selfish and worthless and-''

His voice is drowned out by his soft sobs, tears falling down his cheeks without his consent. Even so, he fights to find his voice again and continues. ''I… I don't know anymore- why did people w-want me to lead the revolution or- or be Raimon's captain when we f-fought El Dorado…? Why- why did e-everyone want me as c-captain for Ina-Inazuma Japan and Earth E-Eleven? I can't do it- I'm not- I-'' he's hyperventilating now, stopping abruptly in his rant.

The brunet's nails are still digging in his arms and his whole body is trembling. The only sound in the gym comes from his silent sobs.

And then, almost inaudibly, he adds in a weak, broken voice, ''I- I just can't do this anymore…''

He's waiting for the disappointment, the anger, the rejection, feeling smaller than ever with all his doubts and weaknesses out in the open. There's no mask to hide behind now, no smile to put up and definitely not an 'everything will work out somehow'.

But it doesn't come. The silence goes on for so long that Tenma eventually looks up to the boy sitting in front of him and his eyes widen.

Shindou is crying.

Raimon's genius playmaker is crying and somehow his silent tears are so much worse than the crying he did when they fought Fifth Sector. Tears are rolling down his face and his hands are trembling, but he keeps his brown eyes focused on Tenma without making a sound.

One look at his other teammates leaves the brunet even more shocked than before.

They are all crying soundlessly.

He looks back at Shindou when the older boy gently grabs his shoulders again. ''Tenma, look at me,'' he whispers, sadness evident in his tone as pained brown meets desperate grey. ''You are _not_ worthless, you hear me? You're not worthless or weak or pathetic at all. You're beautiful.''

The brunet looks at him in disbelief. How can the elder _say_ something like that? Can he really not see that he should just leave him alone before he messes up again?

The wavy-haired teen falters slightly when he sees the disbelief on the brunet's face, but only a moment later it's replaced by determination. ''Listen to me,'' he orders gently yet firmly. ''We _want_ you to be our captain. We want you as our friend. Because everything you think about yourself, it's all wrong. You're strong and beautiful. You always make us smile when we feel down. And you're _definitely_ not a bother, okay? You're our friend and we want to help you if something's wrong. So please, just- just don't ever think you're worthless.'' His voice breaks slightly at the end.

The ex-captain pauses for a moment to calm himself and then continues. ''And I'm so, _so_ sorry for never noticing the pain you were in,'' this time his words are laced with guilt. ''I'm so sorry for not supporting you before, for forcing you to bear the weight of- well, of _everything_ by yourself.''

Shindou looks ready to break down, new tears gathering in his eyes and his voice trembling with every word he speaks. ''I promise you, we'll fix this,'' he whispers. ''We'll show you how beautiful you are. We'll never let you hurt like this anymore.'' Without thinking any longer, he pulls the brunet in a hug.

For a moment Tenma is frozen but then he returns the embrace almost desperately, as if the game maker is the only anchor to reality he has. Shindou tightens his grip in a silent promise of protection, allowing the brunet to hide his face in the fabric of his pajamas.

The rest of their friends surround them solemnly, joining the hug as their young captain finally lets out all the pain and sadness he's been holding back for so long. No words are spoken and the only sounds come from the soft sobbing from their fist-years, the older students crying in silence, just like how their captain suffered for so long.

''You're so strong, Tenma,'' whispers Shindou, letting his own tears fall. ''You've suffered on your own all this time and yet you never gave up. Never think otherwise.''

The brunet's only answer is to bury his face deeper in the game maker's shoulder, finally at peace with the knowledge his friends won't leave him.

''We'll never leave you,'' continues the playmaker softly. ''Everything will work out somehow. We'll make it work.'' He doesn't need to ask his friends for their opinion because the burning resolve in their eyes says more than words ever could.

They hadn't seen how much pressure they'd put on the brunet and now they're paying dearly for it. But not anymore. No matter what, they'll do _anything_ to make things alright again. Without speaking a single word, Shindou knows everyone agrees with this and he allows himself to harbor a tiny spark of hope. Maybe, just maybe, they can mend the pain that was hidden before.

''I promise.''

He doesn't know how. He doesn't know if they can heal the wounds the brunet has suffered from for so long. He doesn't know if they even stand a chance.

But they'll be damned if they give up so easily. They will do anything to help the young brunet, even if they're not sure if it will help at all.

Only time will tell.

* * *

 _This innocence is brilliant, I hope that it will stay_

 _This moment is perfect, please don't go away_

 _And I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by_

 _This innocence is broken and all I can do is cry_

* * *

 **The end.**

 **I know this might be a bit OOC, but honestly? It doesn't sound that impossible to me. Tenma is what? Twelve? Thirteen? And he already has the fate of the world on his shoulders – first he needs to bear the burden of getting the freedom of soccer back, in Chrono Stone it's mostly the same – protecting soccer again – and in Galaxy? Geez, people might not like the season, but seriously! He's responsible for the team, he needs to lead them and if he fails it's the end of everything.**

 **Tenma being mentally unstable is** _ **not**_ **impossible at all. He's just human, not to mention, he's just a** _ **kid.**_

 **The 'knives' are basically all the burdens he needs to carry, the pain and the stress 'materialized' in the form of knives. Not to mention, Tsurugi's disappearance in Galaxy and later his return? If Tenma already was mentally unstable, it probably wouldn't do much good for his mental health.**

 **Anyway, this is mostly written from Tenma's POV so the whole 'selfish and pathetic' part is just what he feels, not what he really is (because the guy's probably the most forgiving on the whole team). It should be quite accurate since it's slightly based on personal experience and on stories found on the internet from people who really suffered from stuff like this.**

 **I'm aware the ending scene might be a bit rushed, but it's basically just Tenma's breaking point. He's exhausted, scared, hurt and it's normal to be more uncertain during the night. Usually he can just hide, but now he's faced with his teammates and he can't hold it back anymore so he just breaks down and lets it all out.**

 **On another note, I don't mean to insult/offend anyone with this. If I did, I apologize, that was not what I had in mind.**

 **This is inspired from two pictures from deviantart by Raynef:**

 **raynef. deviant art/ art/ Inazuma-eleven-GO-Tenma-PT-1-476289387**

 **raynef. deviant art/ art/ Inazuma-eleven-GO-Galaxy-Tenma-Pt-2-476289426**

 **Thank you for reading. I might write a sequel for this if I feel like it and/or if a lot of people want to. And yes, that'd probably have a happy ending because Tenma has suffered enough here XD just let me know in the reviews what you guys would like, 'kay~?**

 **\- Yara Meijer**


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